BEDBUGS A Tale of Strange Bedfellows

EXCERPT

EXCERPT OF A SCENE WITH THE BEDBUG COUPLE, FAHH AND UKK: "What-FAHH-want-more-than-anything-in-world? Little-baby-bloodsuckers, UKK-not-be-right?” FAHH nodded tentatively in response. “That-right!” UKK blurted out, hurrying quickly on before FAHH could contradict the argument. “And, how-many-little-baby-bloodsuckers-FAHH-say-mother-of-FAHH-had-by-time-mother-of-FAHH-age-of-FAHH?” “Dozens,” FAHH admited quietly. “Mother-so-proud. Show-cute-little-baby-bloodsuckers-off-to-everyone.” “Well, it-not-happening-at-Mattress-4-You, FAHH. There-be-no-cute-little-baby-bloodsuckers-because-there-be-no-penetration-time-between-UKK-and-FAHH. UKK-be-not-right?” “Yes,” FAHH agreed after a slight hesitation. “And-FAHH-sorry, UKK. FAHH-want-to, but-it-hurt-FAHH-too-much-when-FAHH-not-full-with-blood.” “UKK-know, FAHH, Sweetie. UKK-know. And-UKK-understand. Yes, UKK-have-strong-bloodsucker-needs, but-FAHH-not-see-UKK-forcing-needle-shaft-on-FAHH-in-present-condition of FAHH, does-FAHH?” “No, and-FAHH-appreciate-that, for-even-when-FAHH-blood-full, FAHH-find-penetration-time-hurt-FAHH-a-little.” “UKK-understand. But-it-way FAHH and UKK get-little-baby-bloodsuckers, so-worth-it,” UKK replied emphatically, shrugging his hard-crusted shoulders at the obvious logic of what he was expressing. “And-that-why-FAHH-and-UKK-doing-this-move! Once-FAHH-and-UKK-get-on-new-Mattress-4-You-bed-with-sleeping-humans, it-be-fresh-warm-blood, plenty-good-penetration-time…and-little-baby-bloodsuckers-by-the-dozens. FAHH-and-UKK-and-little-baby-bloodsuckers-be-one-big-happy-blood-sucking-family.” * * * * * * (TWO DAYS LATER) EXCERPT OF A SCENE WITH THE HUMAN COUPLE, MARNIE AND BOB: Marnie frowned in concern. “Bob, what is it?” Bob looked at Marnie for a moment, considering, and then shook his head, shrugging in resignation as he answered. “We’ve got bedbugs,” he said quietly as if speaking softly would make the situation seem less catastrophic. There was a delayed response on Marnie’s part; however, she did sit up rather suddenly before finally asking, “What did you say?” “I said we’ve got bedbugs,” he answered, moving toward the sofa. “BEDBUGS,” Marnie repeated. “What do you mean, bedbugs?” “I mean bedbugs! The doctor said my rashes are caused by bedbug bites. Somehow, we have bedbugs in the apartment.” Marnie stood up suddenly, gasping. “Oh, my God, they’re in my crotch!” “What? What the hell are you talking about?” “I mean I’ve got your rash too! I was going to tell you this morning, but I figured I’d wait until you got some information from the clinic. And now….” Marnie’s expression transformed into a look of pure horror as she stared down at the exposed skin irritation. “OH MY GOD! THERE ARE BEDBUGS IN MY CROTCH!” Bob put his ale down on the coffee table and, wrapping an arm around Marnie’s shoulders, pulled her to him. “Okay, okay,” he said soothingly. “It’s just a little stumbling block. We’ll deal with it. We’re certainly not the first couple to discover there are bedbugs in their apartment, that’s for damn sure. Obviously, it comes with the territory. But, we’ll deal with it, Marnie. I swear we will.” “BOB,” Marnie shouted. “DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I HAVE BEDBUGS IN MY CROTCH!” “No, you don’t,” Bob replied in an attempt to gain control of the situation with information. “The doctor said they retreat after feeding to wherever it is they hide. So, you have a rash, but there are no bedbugs on you. They are hiding and, according to him, they will stay in hiding until deep into the night when they come out to feed again.” “Oh, so they’ve only been feeding in my crotch. Well, that’s a big relief. The creepy, slimy bugs have only been sucking blood out of me next to my vagina! Jesus! Why me?” “It’s not just you. I have rashes too, you know.” “Not on your vagina.” “I don’t have a vagina!” Marnie pulled away and stood up. “THIS IS NOT A JOKE, BOB!And I’m warning you. You better not treat it as such, or I am outta here. I mean it!”